I’m Ready For a Change - But I'm Scared to Start
Letters from the Book of Molly - Part 1
I’m ready for a change.
I can feel it deep in my soul, vibrating through my bones, and I need to put in the hard work to find myself.
I need to sit with myself.
I need to grow with myself.
I need to learn to be myself.
There’s a certain something stopping me from reaching all of those things though. It may be a brick wall or it may be a cliff that I need to build a bridge over, but there’s something holding me back from doing that hard work.
It’s not that I’m lazy because I know I want to do this work - I’m craving this work - but there’s something in the way.
Before I do anything for myself, even writing this blog post, I’ve scrolled on Instagram first, watched all the Instagram stories, then I went on Facebook, scrolled, then switched back to Instagram again. It's a never ending cycle that I HATE but won't stop...
It’s like I’m looking for something that will jump out of my phone and give me that final push. What I am currently doing to find that motivation to do that deep work is actually numbing myself.
I can feel it.
Whenever I leave Instagram or Facebook, I don’t remember half the stuff I looked at.
My brain hurts.
My eyes hurt.
My fingers hurt.
My heart hurts.
I am not a better person after aimlessly scrolling.
When I met Carly, I was thinking these exact same thoughts. The thought that I long to find out who I am and to work with myself to better understand my purpose.
But, I've never been able to figure out those things alone. I’ve written on my blog countless times about self-love and self-care and while I try to live by that sometimes, it’s hard to do it alone. I don't have that support that I need to encourage me to keep going, even when it's hard and uncomfortable.
This is where Carly and The Habit come in. I signed up for this course because I knew it was the exact thing I needed.
The universe told me I needed it too. For about a two week period after meeting Carly and looking at her website, her name kept coming up. Her social media feeds were drawing me in, I was reading and rereading her blog posts, dreaming of making the changes she wrote about.
Then, when we sat down at Bean Scene on Bernard to discuss the course, it clicked. We fully clicked. Carly is a woman who I look up to in so many ways. Her authentic energy flows out of her in every direction and being in her presence makes me automatically feel happier. She is kind-hearted, genuine and true to herself. She’s made herself her #1 priority and I truly admire that.
I’ve been reflecting a lot about starting this course and to be honest, I’m a little nervous. I’m a person of routine (even if it’s not positive for me - like watching hours of Youtube videos a day), so changing that and creating new habits seems a little daunting.
I’m also a person who gravitates towards the negative mindset. The poor me, I’m going to wallow in my sadness because I deserve it mindset. Even though I know this isn't healthy or who I truly am deep inside, I can't seem to stop it.
To be honest, it scares me so deeply to think these habits may fundamentally change my life because this mindset and this routine are all I know. But, when you're the most uncomfortable and doing the hardest work, that tends to be the time of deepest growth. While I may be scared, my body is also buzzing at the notion that soon I will be growing.
Growing my habits.
Growing my self-love
Growing this radical self-change that is itching to get out.
It may not feel comfortable for a while. I may feel like I’m teaching myself how to walk again. But, I know these habits are needed in my life right now.
I don’t want to spend my hours mindlessly watching Youtube. I don’t want to continue to eat poorly and feel horrible in the morning. I don’t want to spend money I don’t have. I don’t want to feel bad about myself, where I’m at and who I am.
I want to spend my time with intention. I want to eat healthy foods and at the proper hours of the day. I want to wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the day. I want to save my money. I want to love myself for who I am and where I’m at in life.
I want to be at peace with myself while constantly growing to be an even better version.
I may be young, but what better time to change how I live my life? If it wasn’t for The Habit and this tribe of women who will undoubtedly lift me up and encourage me to keep going, I wouldn’t be making these changes. I simply couldn't make these changes alone, in my home, with no one to help me.
I may have set these intentions 100 times before, but now we’re about to do the work and turn these intentions into real-life habits.
I cannot wait for this deep journey and I cannot wait to share my story and my words along the way.
Molly.